Rachel: "Penny, tell the nice people what kind of squirrel you are."
Penny: <meekly> "A dumb one that doesn't know how to eat its food."

last updated: August 13, 2005
[updates are in this color]

[re: reading my story]
"I'm a CAT?!?!?!"

[re: telling her Rachel and I named a squirrel in City Hall Park after her]
"What?! So, I'm a squirrel now too?!"

[re: I'm staring at rachel's boobs]
"I feel left out."
<moves over to stare>

[re: Rachel's boobs]
Rachel: "Yeah, 'cuz these are fake."
Penny: "I knew it! You're Asian!"

[re: staring at Penny's face]
"I feel slightly insulted you're not even trying to look a little lower."

[re: something about me]
"Probably because he licks any interesting thing he sees."

[re: I said I missed Kevin as I'm poking my pencil into tinfoil and then I stop]
"Why are you stopping? You're getting at least some poking done!"

Rachel: "I could walk home right now. The [Brooklyn] Bridge is right there."
Penny: "Aren't you gonna get hit by a car?"
Rachel: "On the pedestrian walk?"
Penny: "There's a part for people?!"

"Hey, at least you didn't get hit on by a French reporter lesbian."

"What exactly did she mean when she said... 'too bad you're too young for me?!'"

Rachel: "We have to go the village."
Penny: "I can come out."

"Physics is like AIDS."

"You like hard and icky?"

Rachel: "So basically, if it comes down to groping you or groping me, they'd pick me."
Penny: "Of course! There's more of you to grope! I'm Asian!"

"I'd drink if it were fruity."

Duber: "It's probably because of your retarded computer."
Penny: "Yeah, I am."

Duber: "Use your lesbionic powers."
Penny: "I haven't come out yet."

"So, it won't like pop out like that. Fabulous..."

[re: looking at herself]
"I feel like a Vietnamese sandwich today"

[re: Sci-Hi teacher Angie]
Duber: "She went to the University of Buffalo."
Penny: "Where's that?"

[re: looking in the mirror]
"I never realized how twiggy my arms were."

[re: A bunch of white people walk by her]
"White people are huge!"

"Did you not see the humongously mm-brr?"

[re: fishnet/mesh shirt]
"The only people who I've seen that can carry off a mesh shirt are buff gay guys and chubby little Mexican men."

Penny: "This is why you hafta be like Rachel and carry a quote book around."
Duber: "I did have my little quote book. I just didn't want to take it out."
Penny: "You're not much of a quoter now, are you?"

"It's not my fault you share my taste in clothes."

"Mmf. <more Penny speak> Am I Quote Queen?"

[re: Nivek]
"Oh, wow. I just realized that spelled Kevin backwards."

[re: Penny writing her lesson plan for the SAT II: Writing class. She's making them write an essay with topic - "The only thing to fear is fear itself."]
Duber: (sarcastically) "I wonder who said that."
Penny: "Ben Franklin?"

"It's human nature to think they can dominate over every creature... even fruit."

Penny: "Too small to be an <mumbling> "
Duber: "What?! Too small to be an omlette?"
Penny: "Armlet!"

[re: quoting her]
"Rachel got a load off me last time too."

Duber: "Filipino moms..."
Penny: "Are they like Asian moms?"

[re: cooking Brownout Chicken on the stove]
Ashley B: "It's [looks] like an omelette."
Penny: "Only with chicken. It's like the same but only grown up."

[re: Ashley's cat, Data]
"It's like a big walking furry goldfish that meows."

[re: chasing after Data]
"Here fishy, fishy."

Penny: "Just make it an emoticon."
Rachel & Duber: "What?"

Bonnie: "Did he get the fish in Chinatown?"
Duber: "Yes. He did get the fish in Chinatown."
Penny: "I thought they sold turtles in Chinatown."

[re: Shady Taco Place took down the "We Have Shrimp Today" sign they have had on the window for ages]
Duber: (sarcastically) "Maybe they have shrimp today."
Penny: (looks up happily) "Where?!"

"I'm so glad I'm not dumb."

(on the phone)
Duber: "May I speak to Penny?"
Penny: "Yes."
(silence)
Duber: "...Penny?"
Penny: "Yeah."
Duber: "Oh, hey."
Penny: "Hi."
Duber: "...Do you know who this is?"
Penny: "Um, give me a hint."
Duber: "Oh my god, are you serious? You don't know who this is?"
Penny: "No?"
Duber: "I have your calculator."
(silence)
Penny: "Right!"
Duber: "I can't believe you didn't know. Is it because I never call you?"
Penny: "Hey! It's not my fault! You sound way different on the phone. And it's not like you ever call me!"
Duber: "You sound a bit hurt on that last part."
Penny: "I am!"

"I just realized America's not kind to short and thin people."

[re: Giving Penny directions to Rutgers on the cell]
Penny: "So, I just got off the train."
Duber: "Which stop are you at?"
Penny: "New Brunswick, right?"
Duber: "What?! NO! You're not supposed to get off at New Brunswick. You're supposed to get off at the next stop, Princeton Junction!"
Penny: "You said to get off at New Brunswick!"
Duber: "I said the stop after New Brunswick!
Penny: "Crap, what am I supposed to do now?"
Duber: "Look down the street... Other way."
<Penny sees Dustin and I>
Penny: (hangs up and screams) "I HATE YOU!"