[re: The T.A. is reading someone's essay about Chinese New Year and the story of "Nian" (a monster)]
Bethany H: "So is it true?"
<entire Chinese class looks at her in disbelief>
Someone: "It's a folktale."
Bethany H: "Some folktales are real!"
Adele W: "Yes, Bethany, there was a real monster that came to town and ate children every year."
Duber: <angry muttering> "Especially white girls that asked stupid questions."

[re: Telling us a story about how she went to Chinatown and asked a Chinese guy where a certain street was in Chinese]
Bethany H: "And he said, 'I don't freaking know' in English! This Asian guy didn't even have an accent at all!"
Someone: "Bitch, have you not been listening to me speak?"

[re: Dunking his biscuit into tea for a long time]
Duber: "That's gonna break off."
<biscuit breaks off>
Dustin: "My cookie!"

Duber: "Ow, it's hot. It's supposed to be an orgasm in your mouth."
Dustin: "Are orgasms supposed to burn?"
Katie M: "No, that means you have a problem."

[re: Breaking a bond on a molecular block stuff]
"Oh my gosh, I just caused a chain reaction!" - Dustin

Duber: "Oh, I tasted the cold, hot, and warm."
Katie M: "Where the cold meets the hot, that's the warm."

"I've always wanted to be bulimic but I never could throw up." - Katie M

"I love wiki-*hiccup*-pedia." - Katie M

Katie M: "Are you hungry 'cause if you are, Imma kill you and make you eat the chime out of my stuffing."
Dustin: "It's chyme."

Carolyn H: "Compared to Dustin, David is Rambo."
Anita L: "Who's Rambo?"

[re: Comparing to dinner at Priyanka's to Princess Diaries]
"Oh, Princess Diaries 2 'cause they have a sleepover!" - Dustin

Duber: "Sandra, you have a drinking problem."
Sandra R: "No, I'm just really thirsty."

"I miss you. My life lacks that certain asshole perspective that only you can fill." - Joyce

Jessica K: "I'm the treasurer of the Filipino-American Students Association
Duber: "But you're Korean."
Jessica K: "I don't even know how it happened."

Duber: "So can I like hire Technique to dance at my twenty-first but pay with alcohol?"
Kathy K: "Most likely yes."
Duber: "What if it's just one handle of vodka nad some dirty grinding?"
Kathy K: "That's more than we usually get."

[re: People walking in front of the car while Vic's driving]
Mickii C: "Just keep driving next time."
<Vic makes a right turn without stopping for people to cross>
Mickii C: "Don't hit my classmate!"

[re: Chinese class is reciting one complex sentence one-by-one]
Wu lao-shi: <to Mickii> "Do you want to try?"
Mickii C: "...Crap!"
Wu lao-shi: "Crap? What's crap?"<writes "crap" on the blackboard>

Mickii C: "I'm gonna put my finger up your butt every day."
Dustin: "No!"
Duber: "Mickii, I give you permission."
Mickii C: "Yes! David gave me permission!"

[re: Making pasta at Mickii's]
Mickii C: "What's wrong?"
Duber: "I realized I forgot to buy tomato paste."
Sarah D: "Way to go, David. Now it's gonna taste horrible."

"Tomato paste." - Sarah D

[re: Priyanka with her birthday cake and candles]
Everyone: "Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday to--"
<Priyanka starts to blow out the candles while cutting the cake>
Someone: "You're not supposed to blow it out now."
Everyone: "Happy birthday dear--"
<Priyanka continues to blow at the candles and stabs the cake with the knife>
Duber: "No! Don't blow it!"
<Everyone trails off with the song as Priyanka blows out the candle>
Someone: "Did you at least make a wish?"
Priyanka K: "I was supposed to?"
<Everyone decides to redo the whole thing and lights up the candle again>
Dustin: <to Priyanka> "There's singing. Then blowing. Then cutting."
Priyanka K: "Okay."
Dustin: "Sing. Blow. Cut. We sing. Blow. Cut."
<Everyone sings the Happy Birthday song while Priyanka smiles and waves the knife over the cake like a conductor's baton>
Dustin: <once the song is over> "Blow!"
Duber: "Make a wish!"
Dustin: "And then cut."

Duber: "Can I have a Band-Aid?"
Priyanka K: "Sure." <hands me a wet nap> "Here."
Duber: "This isn't a Band-Aid."
Priyanka K: "It's a refreshing towel."

[re: Easton Ave apartment doors]
Dustin: "Can you lock it from the outside?"
Priyanka K: "No." <goes to lock the door>
Dustin: <confused> "But you're locking it from the outside."
Priyanka K: "Right."

[re: Watching a movie trailer before 300]
"Ocean's Eleven Thirteen!" - Dustin

[re: Those mall carts for children]
"So can we sit in there and race? It says 'Mall Racer.'" - Priyanka K

Sarah M: "We were talking about άber Chinese Catholics."
Duber: "What? I'm not Catholic."
Sarah M: "And [Dustin's] not Chinese. But together..."
Duber: "We're άber Chinese Catholics?"
Sarah M: "Yeah."

"That picture you made me take without my head!" - Sarah M

Duber: "Do you also know what hides the bleu cheese nicely?"
Sarah M: "Cum?"

"My god, this is ridiculously hard... To finish." - Sarah M

Duber: "Does anyone have a Shop Rite card?"
Sarah M: "I have a bladder problem."

[re: While holding a camera]
<to Mickii and Vic> "I want to take a picture! Where's Dustin with the camera?" - Dustin

Dustin: "How's your mom?"
Luis S: "Well she bought me a plasma TV so she's fine now."

Sarah D: "I'm not very smooth."
Dustin: "Yeah, Ex-lax."

Sarah D: "I didn't let him come inside. That would've been a bad idea."
Dustin: <laughing hysterically> "You didn't let him cum inside!"

Sarah D: "Oh, you boys. Your room looks like a nuclear holocaust."
Dustin: "A nuclear holocaust? So you see burnt up Jews and a big hole on the ground?"
Duber: "That's not what a nuclear holocaust means."
Sarah D: "That's a different type of holocaust."

[re: Sitting on a chair]
Sarah D: "I have to go pee, I'll be right back." <doesn't get up>
Dustin: "Eww!"

"We have to have our monthly annual dinner." - Priyanka K

"So I was in two dances, then I was put in another two dances. Now I'm in two dances!" - Dustin

Christine A: "Wait, what's tapioca made out of?"
Dustin: "Tapioca."

"How much money did you make tonight? How many tables did you do? Jerk..." - EJ P

[re: Poking Dustin's ass with my finger]
"Stop! You're not Mickii!" - Dustin

Mickii C: "And now I'm gonna go back to my place and Vic's gonna come over and he's gonna be all grumpy because I hung up him when he was still talking and I'm gonna just walk away and not gonna care and he's gonna grab my arm and be like, 'Don't walk away from me,' and I'm gonna be like, 'Don't grab my arm. Get your shit and get out of my house,' and he's gonna be like 'I'm sorry, baby...'"
Duber: "I like how you thought this through and you're doing nothing to change it."

[re: Standing on the takeout line at Brower]
Girl #1: "Oh my god, what happened to your arm?"
Girl #2: "A car door hit me and that totally sounds like my boyfriend beats me... I don't even have a boyfriend who beats me..."

Dustin: "I love peanut butter cookies!"
Sarah M: <whispers to me> "This isn't a peanut butter cookie."

    [re: Little girl at the Busch Dining Hall]
Duber: "Why is she frolicking?"
Dustin: "Remember when we did that [as a child]?"
Sarah M / Duber: "I never frolicked."

Dustin: "Don't waste your coffee!"
Duber: "Why? They throw everything out at the end of the day. What do you think they do with it?"
Dustin: "...Donate it?"
Tyler A: "Where, to the homeless? In case they need caffeine?"
Dustin: "Well I mean... what about that other place... DYFS?"
Tyler A: "The place kids go when their parents beat them?"

Mollie S: "Okay, back to my story, everybody calm? We're back. So I--"
Dustin: <gasp> "My napkin smells!"

[re: Traffic light]
"Red means GO!" - Dustin

Mollie S: "Well, just call me Harriet Tubman!"
Duber: "Wrong person."
Dustin: "Wait, who was the deaf and blind one?"