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the real world: youth mentoring program

last updated: July 29, 2008
[updates are in this color]

Note: This section is for all things stupid from the wonderful four summers working at the 1199SEIU Youth Mentoring Program...

"That's a fabulously gay idea." - Harrison K

[re: Alanis Morissette's Ironic]
Peter C: "You know what's more ironicer?"
Duber: "More ironicer?"
Peter C: "Yeah, ironicer. If the guy who's scared to fly drives to where he's going and the plane crashes down on him."

[re: Puppy rottweilers]
"Then it grows up and gets angry." - Harrison K

[re: ordering buffalo wings at work for five people]
Tishon R: "How many buffalo wings do we need? Five... ten.. fifteen... twenty... twenty-five."
Peter C: "Twenty-five? That's like ten each [person]!"

Adia H: "Can I use the computer pretty please with a cherry on top?"
Duber: "I don't like cherries."
Adia H: "Pretty please with a strawberry and a white rice grain on top."

[re: During an intense argument between Tim P and Jesse C about faith and empirical stuff]
"I can draw a turkey with my hand." - Lesley L-C

[re: Hiding underneath a desk]
Duber: "We're attempting to scare Krystal."
Lesley L-C: "Muhahaha." (yes, that's what she actually said)
Duber: "So when she comes, we're gonna jump out. Shh!"
Lesley L-C: "Like the Boogey monster!"
<Krystal walks over>
Duber: "Boo!"
Lesley L-C: "Oogily boogily!"
<Krystal stares at us like we're morons>
Lesley L-C: "Scared? Scared?"
Krystal R: "Y'all are so..."

"Okay, so Charles said he had Jesse's, um, his, um, paychecks which I assumed was correct, 'cause he's a competent young gentlemen. But... he just lied to my face! That punk! Fist him!" - Lesley L-C

"I hate David for making us go on this fucking field trip. Why the fuck does he want me to make a fucking collage? Fuck this shit. In nowhere *unintelligible* make a fucking collage. It says play solitaire and sit on your ass all day and I just got dripped upon and that's very gross." - Lesley L-C

[re: Drawing a picture of her family]
Lesley L-C: "And I'll draw my cat."
Krystal R: "Orange? Your cat's orange?"
Lesley L-C: "He was. No, he wasn't."
Krystal R: "Isn't that Garfield?"

[re: The cat from the above quote]
Lesley L-C: "My dad made us give him away. He went to a farm."
Krystal R / Duber: "Ohh." <laugh>
Lesley L-C: "No, he's still alive. I've seen him. No, he actually literally went to a farm. Like a literal farm."
Krystal R: "Does he come around going, 'what's up Lesley, I'm living the life. I've got pussycats everywhere..."
Lesley L-C: "No, J.J. was a homosexual."

"Even if I saw you make out with a guy, I still would've been like, 'Oh, it's just Dave being crazy again." - Tishon R

[re: Tracing her hand on a sheet of paper]
Lesley L-C: "Look, I drew a turkey with my hand."
Duber: "It goes 'Goggle gobble?'"
Lesley L-C: "Oh, shit."

<Charles coughs>
Krystal R: "Ugh. Ebola."
Charles W: "...The country in Africa?"

[re: Hangman puzzle - "Two Not Five"]
Lesley L-C: "You misspelled it."
Duber: "No, I didn't."
Lesley L-C: "Five has five letters."

"What do you mean 'e-mail them?'" - Abbe S

Tishon R: "We can just put some makeup on you."
Abbe S: "I don't like wearing makeup. It makes me look a whore."
Tishon R: "You just need to know what colors to use. You can use some blue there."
Abbe S: "Pink! I like pink! ...Maybe that's why I look like a whore."

[re: Steve Irwin]
"The alligator hunter?" - Charles W

"I don't know what to do with this. They told me to give it to Donna." - Abbe S

[re: Defacing an application]
"Don't defecate it!" - Lesley L-C

[re: Telling a student they need their immunization records]
"You need your immunity." - Krystal R

[re: Reading Abbe's Facebook profile]
Tishon R: "Favorite TV show. Scrubs. What's that?"
Abbe S: "A TV show."

[re: Madame Tussaud's Wax Museum]
Duber: "Some of them don't even look like the actual people."
Tishon: "I know! They look waxy."

Abbe: "It looks like it's dead."
Duber: "It is."

"They're married. He can't rape her." - Charles W

[re: Lesley liking some guy]
Charles W: "Want to get a little something? You know, Chihuahua."
Lesley L-C: "Chihuahua?"
Duber: "Charles, do you mean 'bow chicka wow wow?'"

Krystal R: "T.I."
Lesley L-C: "Like T.I. Mobile?"

[re: Trying to get in contact with one of the teachers in the program]
Man: "Hello?"
Tishon R: "...I think I have the wrong number. Is this Janice?"

Tishon R: "Why does my mother bring you cherries?"
Krystal R: "That's because she likes me. Don't be mad if your mom loves you more than me."

"Who makes those glasses you can see through?" - Charles W

[re: R. Kelly]
Tishon R: "He was caught on video having intercourse with an adolescent girl and doing all sorts of things to her."
Ms. Stafford: "That's what he's known for!"

Charles: "She's gonna be asking why I didn't send her the forms yet..."
Randi M: <while passing by the cubicle> "Because you're lazy."

[re: Nevin and Sierra's first day]
Duber: "And they actually want to do work."
Tishon R: "Who do they think they are?"
Krystal R: "Assholes."

"I can never get enough crabs... In a good way!" - Krystal R

[re: Inputting Nevin and Sierra's name into the payroll system]
Krystal R: "Okay, the new guy is Nevin..."
Duber: "Yeah."
Krystal R: "How do you spell that?"
Duber: "N-E-V-I-N."
Krystal R: "And the new girl?"
Duber: "Sierra."
Krystal R: "Is that spelled regular Sierra or black person Ciara?"

[re: After fucking up her own timesheet]
"Do you need help with payroll?" - Tishon R

[re: Answering a phone call]
"1199 Youth Monitoring Program..." - Nevin T

[re: Amy Winehouse]
Sierra G: "They tried to make me go to rehab..."
Stacy O: "And I went, I went, I went."

[re: Telling a participant they will be working at Morningside Hospital]
"You'll be working at Mountainside Hospital." - Sierra G

"It makes sense because it's morning, mountain. They both start with an M. Mmmorning... Mmmountain." - Sierra G

Duber: "I need a..."
Sierra G: "Taxulator."

Stacy O: "What does she mean?"
Duber: "Probably a calculator you can do the tax in."
Stacy O: "Oh, they have those?"

"I don't like the extra flap because it gets in the way." - Stacy O

[re: Tishon's fucked up timesheet]
Duber: "She put that seven plus seven plus seven plus seven equals fourteen."
Tishon R: "First of all, it was three sevens."

Tishon R: <talking to Sierra on the phone> "You have a member in the front."
Sierra G: <still on the line with Tishon> "Okay. Hello, 1199 Youth Mentoring Program, this is Sierra."

[re: Her younger brother going to UPenn]
Stacy O: "He's gonna look for older men."
<everyone snickers>
Stacy O: "For me!"

"But I'm not Sierra; you like me!" - Stacy O

Nevin T: "I hope you die in a fire!"
Sierra O: "Whoa!"
Nevin T: "I apologize... A tame fire."

[re: Discussing the participants and which Teacher-Artist they will get in the classroom sessions]
"I'l teach them how to color!" - Stacy O

Stacy O: "My colorings were prettier."
Tishon R: "Yeah, they had color."

"I've done it on my knees; I've done it in a split." - Sierra G

Duber: "Krystal, do you want to get breakfast?"
Krystal R: "No, I want to get big... large... food."

[re: Trying to prank call Stacy]
"Hello, this is Kevin Federline for, um, um, what hospital is this?" - Charles W

"You know that place on 40th Street that has food?" - Tishon R

Duber: "Did you just rip her head off?"
Nevin T: "I tried to."

Nevin: "I hope you get cancer."
Stacy O: "Whoa, Nevin!"
Duber: "A tame cancer?"

[re: Hangman]
Nevin T: "Q!"
Stacy O: <outraged> "Q?! Who the fuck guesses Q?!"

"Krystal's like finding a needle in a needle stack." - Nevin T

[re: Pacific Islander]
"Nevin's a Pacific Asia." - Krystal R

"Do you want me to pull your hair and call you bad?" - Nevin T

"I don't want to do this every day, like wake up in real life." - Stacy O

"Who's life doesn't involve balls... getting hit in the face with them." - Stacy O

[re: Blank paper]
"Can you print one out?" - Nevin T

"Bite the pillow; I'm going in raw." - Nevin T

"How many jacks are in a deck?" - Charles W

"Now I have to play with Stacy and be bi-racial." - Sierra G

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